remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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