I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
