If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
