So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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