I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Randomize
