On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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