My hand turned me down
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
