Joe is yelling at the trees again.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Randomize
