I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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