Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I can feel your judgement through the phone
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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