I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
