I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
Randomize