I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I will be naked everywhere
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
