I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
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