exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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