I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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