I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
