you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
