I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
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