yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i was born a porn star she said
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
