My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
