i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize
