Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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