Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Randomize
