when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
It all started with a game of naked twister.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
