He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
