Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
birth control should be required to get into college
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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