Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Randomize
