You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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