I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
