I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
