I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
