So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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