So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
