i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
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