stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
