remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
