Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
