I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
