Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
the condom got lost in my hair
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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