I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
