The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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