Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Randomize