So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
