Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
