I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I think you're asking the wrong person. You don't understand. Like I would fuck the act of fucking itself if I could.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Randomize
