she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
