i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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