When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
i believe in u and ur pee
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
