I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Randomize
