Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
