I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
