Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
