Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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