i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
