All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
