Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Randomize
